Alice and the Blender
by Skipperdee171
Summary: Alice discovers the wonderful world that is the blender. We all know she can't remember her childhood. Give her a break.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Just because I'm not Stephenie Meyer doesn't mean that you can rub it in.**

**Just FYI: my first fic! Wish me luck!**

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Once upon a time Alice and Edward Cullen were playing Uno. Neither one of them was exactly sure why they were playing, and the game had been going on for about three hours and no one had set a card down yet. Bella had given up watching about fifteen minutes in, and was now helping Esme clean the kitchen after Emmett had terrorized it. But that is not what this story is about.

Suddenly, Alice had a vision. Edward, who was already so rudely listening to her thoughts, saw the vision too.

Alice was standing in an aisle filled with mysterious yet intriguing devices inside boxes. The pictures on the outside showed what looked like a lemonade pitcher attached to a base. Shiny, pointy prongs stuck up from the inside of the pitcher. Alice liked both shiny and pointy things.

"EDWARD! What _is _this magical place?" Alice demanded after she snapped out of her trance.

Edward looked at Alice strangely. "That's the blender aisle at Target, Alice,"

"Oooh..." Alice sunk back into the vision. "Edward, what's a blender?"

Edward sighed. He knew where this was headed. "A blender is a common kitchen appliance. We have one-"

"WAIT! What exactly does it do?"

"It blends things, Alice."

"Oh. Well, I guess that makes sense." Alice mused. Suddenly, she flung the cards across the room. "I _must _acquire one of these magical devices!" She jumped over the couch to grab her purse.

"Please do it legally," Edward said politely.

"Gotcha!" she shouted on her way out the door.

"Don't we already have a blender?" Bella asked from the doorway where she had been watching the conversation.

"With Alice, we'll probably need two," Edward sighed as he began to pick up Alice's scattered cards.

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**See that little green box down there? Yeah, that one. Press it. Then write words. Please? I'll give you a virtual hug if you do!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Still not Stephenie Meyer. But that doesn't mean I don't wish I was!**

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Alice parked her beautiful (and shiny) yellow Porsche in the parking lot in front of Target. She skipped through the sliding doors, disregarding the awkward looks she received from the other Target-goers. She was too anxious about finding her perfect blender.

"Excuse me?" she asked a rather inattentive Target worker who turned around to shoot her an evil eye.

"What?" His response sounded more like a threat than a question.

"Where do you keep your blenders?" Alice asked in her most innocent voice.

"Aisle 8," the employee hissed.

"'Kay! Thanks!" Alice skipped over to where she guessed aisle 8 was.

Alice continued skipping. Aisles 13, 12, 11, 10, 9… She stopped dead.

"Whoa…" Her jaw dropped and eyes grew huge. "They're so pretty!"

At least twenty different blenders were on the shelf in front of her. So many different sizes and colors, each one shinier than the next. And that was just the box cover. The real thing must be way shinier…

"You're a weirdo." Alice's head snapped around to meet a little girl. She almost looked like a mini-Rosalie. Especially the glaring evilly part.

"Hey there!" Alice said. The magic blenders attracted her attention again. "These things are called blenders!" she pointed out.

"You're a crazy person too. They should put you in a crazy person place." the girl sneered. Her words triggered an unhappy memory in Alice. For the first time that day, Alice frowned.

"Those are called asylums." Alice explained. "They are not fun."

Once again, Alice couldn't keep her eyes off the blenders. She grabbed a lime green one off the middle shelf. "Well, bye!" she told the girl, and, remembering Edward's "legal" request, skipped off to the checkout counter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I do own a copy. Three copies, actually. But I didn't write them. *teardrop***

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"Guess what I bought!" Alice sang as she twirled through the front door. Edward and Bella had picked up the Uno cards and were playing an actual fair game.

"Is it a puppy?" Emmett guessed from upstairs.

"BETTER!" Alice exclaimed. She dropped her new prized possession on top of Edward and Bella's game. "It's called a blender!"

Edward faked a smile. "That's wonderful Alice, but we're trying to-"

"Bella! Guess what you get to do!" Alice picked up her blender and sprinted into the kitchen.

"Oh. No." Pure terror covered Bella's face. She slowly began to slide behind the couch.

"You can't hide from me, Bella!" Alice shouted from the kitchen. There was a loud clatter. "Crap…" Alice muttered. Then the blender buzzed, and the contents of the pitcher slopped into a cup.

Alice skipped back out into the living room. She saw Bella cowering behind the couch, grabbed her wrist, and dragged her to the kitchen.

A clear glass cup sat on the kitchen table. A light orange liquid-like substance lurked menacingly inside it. Bella briefly wondered if it might be alive.

"What _is _that?" Bella asked.

"Awesomeness in a cup!" Alice bubbled. "It's got eggs, cheese, milk, some ice cubes… and I think I put some bacon in there too!"

"Raw eggs? Alice, I don't think this is edible…" Bella cautiously poked the glass, and a miniature tree floated to the top.

"Oh yeah! There's broccoli in there too!" Alice smiled proudly at her masterpiece.

"Alice, Bella can't eat that," Edward said, finally realizing that Bella was in danger.

"Ummm, yeah she can!" Alice argued.

Suddenly, from the depths of Bella's mind, a plan emerged. A plan so devious that something might explode in the process.

"Hey Alice, I think I saw something shiny in… that closet over there!" Bella pointed toward a small door on the other side of the kitchen.

"SHINY!" Alice screamed, skipping over to the closet.

Edward caught on to Bella's plan and tossed the contents of the glass out the window. He set the cup back down just as Alice was walking back.

"There wasn't anything shiny in the closet, but there was a NINJA!" Alice exclaimed. She mistook Edward and Bella's expressions for horror, when really they thought she was crazy. "It's okay, though. I killed him. We're safe now."

Alice paused again, fading off into another vision. "You know what? I'm gonna go be a ninja now." Alice skipped out the front door.

"I don't think she'll ever be normal," Bella said. Edward just shook his head. Bella briefly glanced out the window to see where her "snack" had landed.

"That poor, poor ground…"

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**THE END! Hope you enjoyed it! HIT THAT REVIEW BUT ON LIKE IT'S YOUR JOB!**


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